Darkness, Despair, the Storm, and the Promise of Hope and Love…

Monday, May 23, 2016, 10:30am

I wrote the following words here on my blog on May 29, 2010, five weeks after Christopher's accident:

”… I am in bed, having endured a bad day. I don't have a good excuse or reason for my bad day. It simply was.  I have taken an Ambien and consumed a glass of wine in search of the ever-elusive sleep. I am not sure why I haven't been sleeping lately. One would think that once my boy and I were home, under the same familiar roof and resting in the comfort of our own beds that sleep would be my friend.  But alas, it has not been friendly at all.”

In my 2010 Christmas letter, I spoke for the first time of the fact that everything came crashing down for me shortly after Christopher returned home from the hospital. Although I had been warned of it by his Doctor, it happened quickly, and I was slow to acknowledge its’ presence. Initially, I called it ‘the blues.’ As I wrote back in May 2010, the first sign was my lingering sleeplessness. Night after night I lay in bed, wide-awake, watching the minutes tick by. My days became a blur. The fog in which I was living caused me to be a bystander in my own home, with life happening all around me. Engaging with family and friends took so much effort. As my days wore on, the darkness grew. I cried endlessly and felt despair and hopelessness that I had never known. These thoughts and feelings were new to me and I was perplexed by the power of them.

The storm I had entered was all consuming, and I couldn’t fight it. The drive to do so simply wasn’t there. In some twisted way, the deeper I sank into my depression, the more comfortable that darkness felt. Don’t get me wrong… I hated being there. I cried out for it to end and it was painful knowing how I was hurting my family. I became isolated, lonely and terrified and found comfort by existing in my mind. I became a slave to my thoughts. I jumped from one thought to another with abandon and could not settle myself down enough to focus (which I now know is the reason for my inability to read and write). But I was powerless to do anything about it, and I discovered that it somehow felt good to feel bad.

Although I speak of my depression as something that happened in the past, it is very much alive and well today. My recent divorce has pummeled me back into the throes of it. The darkness is still all around me. My feelings of despair are overwhelming at times, and I continue to live in the midst of the storm. I've told only a handful of people about my depression, not because I am ashamed of it, but because it was a battle that I chose to keep private until now.

My wonderful kids, Nicholas, Berenice, Emily, Christopher and me

I am blessed to have family and friends who love me enough to stand by me, and it was because of their persistent encouragement that I sought help. The road to recovery however, is long and arduous. There is no simple fix for something as profound as depression. Medication helps, but that’s all it does… it helps (and it didn't work for me)! Counseling is like a breath of fresh air. This is what I said to a friend one day,

“I just finished my session and I noted two things. First of all, when I enter her office it is as though I am walking into a sanctuary. And secondly, when I walk out of her office, I feel a strong sense of peace and confidence. I feel so empowered.”

The fog was slowly beginning to lift and on the morning before my hospitalization in December of 2010 for a Multiple Massive Pulmonary Emboli, I felt as though I was gradually coming back… a little more energy… a little more positive. Unfortunately, my brush with death and then the failure of my marriage took me a few steps backward, but such is life. This journey with depression is not something I ever anticipated happening. I mean, really, depression? After Christopher’s miraculous recovery, I thought everything would be great. And when I learned of the seriousness of my illness and how fortunate I was to have escaped death, I once again mistakenly expected to be living as though I was on a beautiful high. But I guess that’s not how real life works. No, real life is wonderful, horrible, joyous and painful. It is full of surprises… some that we wish for and others that we would prefer to never cognize.

My brothers, Scott, Mark, Ken and me

As I begin to heal, I am finding that I occasionally open up, but I am learning to be gentle with myself. There are still more bad days than good. Those bad days are really ugly. I close myself off from the world, bury myself deep inside, and simply pray that I am able to get through them in one piece without causing too much pain for my loved ones. On a good day though, I am a vessel available for positive thoughts and the promise of hope. Today is a good day and this morning I heard a song that moved me to tears. It reminded me of an e-mail I received from my friend, Gloria as I was lying in my hospital bed back in 2010, crying because I was having a very bad day. I included it in my Christmas letter that same year, but her words were so beautiful that I am going to share them again…

“The Lord is with you, around you, behind and before you, knowing all of the most intimate of anxieties and fears you hold… I pray that His peace, His grace will lighten your heart as you let time and medicine heal you.  Be well slowly, gradually and patiently, hidden in the shadow of His wing…”

Gloria’s words remind me of the promise of hope and love that God offers us. Deep depression is ugly, and the shutting off of oneself is extremely painful and lonely. Letting God in during the darkest of days is simply impossible, as the thoughts and feelings that consume you do not resonate with the message of love, forgiveness, acceptance, grace and hope that God has to give. But today as I listened to the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North, I found myself open to the message and I swear God spoke directly to me. I have written the lyric below and will include a link to the song.

My loving parents and brothers

I will continue along this journey, taking it day by day, hour by hour and sometimes, minute by minute. I will rest in the love and support of those who care for me, comforted by the knowledge that they are praying for me and available when I need them. I will do my best to remember that God’s love is over, underneath, inside and in between. I will keep telling myself that He is here through my heartache and here in the storm.. that He doesn’t care where I’ve fallen or where I have been. Over and over I will remind myself that He keeps me by His power alone, that He will never forsake me and that His love never ends.

Times

I know I need You

I need to love You, Lord

I love to see You, but it’s been so long

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

and I need to hear You

is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I’m afraid to tell You

all that I've done

Are You done forgiving?

or can You look past my pretending?

Lord, I'm so tired of defending

what I've become

What have I become?

I hear you say,
"My love is over,
it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
The times that you've questioned, 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend
Well My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in-between
These times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you've fallen, or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends; it never ends"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM-6rm1t9vY

 

Christopher Six Years Later . . . April 21, 2016

Today I am celebrating the precious life of my youngest son, Christopher Andrew. It was 6 years ago today at the age of 13 that he fell out of a tree and sustained a Severe Traumatic Brain Injury. He wasn't expected to live through the night, was in a coma for 8 days, but beat the odds.

April 21, 2010, UCSF Benoit Children's Hospital

Miraculously, he survived, thanks to the amazing doctors and nurses at UCFS Benoit Children's Hospital Oakland and the prayers of thousands of people around the world.

Christopher has completely recovered from his accident and is thriving at Boston University, about to complete his first year. I love you, Christopher, and I'm so thankful for you, your kind and loving spirit and your zeal for life! Your future is so bright and I'm so very proud of you! You're a fighter!!! ❤️

Emily & Christopher in Boston, 2016

Uncle Don

February 18, 2015

For some reason, this morning I found myself thinking about my dear Uncle Don. He was the organist at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City for 40 years and I began searching videos on YouTube in hopes of finding one of him playing the organ. I was pleasantly surprised to discover this video of the Christmas Eve Midnight Mass on December 24, 2012… the last Christmas Eve Mass he was to play. Though he had no idea at the time, six months later his life was going to be forever changed; a change that would eventually force him into retirement; a change that would lead him to move to Minnesota to be near family.

Uncle Don & my brother, Ken, 2014

Uncle Don & my brother, Mark, 2014

I then remembered that I had written about Uncle Don after visiting him in a Rehab center in NYC in November 2013, intending to post it on my blog, but had never done so. Well, today’s the day! He is now living in a retirement center in frigid MinneSOta, near family and is doing quite well. He occasionally plays the organ in the lounge and, I have been told, draws quite a crowd.

Drawing a crowd, 2014

I’m going to be in Minnesota in two weeks and will have the privilege of seeing him. I’m hoping to persuade him to “tickle the ivories” for me, which I know will transport me back in time… to a time filled with fond memories and vivid images. This post is for you, Uncle Don. I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Uncle Don's Retirement Party, May 2014

Doing what he loves best...

(Here’s the link to the video I mentioned above and below is the blog I wrote in November 2013)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7UuzECLqNI&list=FLSCZu4S-q0s1F_2dCj5Hafg&index=52

November 2013

Pomp and Circumstance. That's the piece I'm listening to right now as I sit on the plane, headed home from a visit to New York City with my mom and brother, Mark. It's a cut from the album my Uncle Don recorded years ago. As tears flow down my cheeks, I'm sure everyone around me thinks I'm an emotional mess. And they're right. I'm a mess. I'm just so sad and I can't make the tears stop.

We were in NYC visiting Don in a rehabilitation center. He's recovering from being hit (as a pedestrian) by a car back in July. After spending two months in ICU, one month in the hospital and the past month in Rehab, he's still got so far to go. And he's not playing the organ at St. Patrick's Cathedral these days; a job he's held for the past forty years. Wow... FORTY YEARS! That church, the priests, sisters and choir members have been his family and he couldn't have been any happier. He was one of the fortunate ones... he had a job that he absolutely loved and he was an amazing organist.

Donald Dumler

He loved his family at St. Pat’s and they loved him. What's not to love about Uncle Don, though? He's loving, funny, quirky and amazingly talented. And humble. And a perfectionist. I suppose that's what made him so good at what he did. But at the age of 75, after being so sick for such a long time, we don't know what the future holds for him. That's sad. Will he ever play the organ again? We talked him into playing a bit of Toccata and a Fugue in D Minor by Bach on a small keyboard that's in his room last Thursday when we were there and so many memories came flooding back as I sat and listened to him (I secretly videotaped it and will always treasure that moment).

When my family lived in New Jersey during the late '70's, we would drive into NYC every Christmas Eve to attend the midnight mass and listen to him play. He would come home with us after the service and spend a couple days at our house and I'll never forget standing around the piano, listening to him practice and begging him to play all our favorite pieces. My dad loved Pomp and Circumstance. We all loved Toccata and Fugue in D minor (aka: the Halloween song) and my favorite was Prelude and Fugue in D Major (it was a happy song)! But the best part of it was that he was an organist and when he was playing piano, there were no foot pedals. So he'd be playing along and all of a sudden, his feet would begin to move, as though there were imaginary pedals on the ground that he was playing. Sometimes he would hum that part so that the piece sounded right, like he was filling in the blanks. And then he'd start shaking his head and apologizing... he would say how sorry he was that it didn't sound right. But what he didn't ever understand was how amazed we all were by the talent that was sitting before us. We would listen to him play for hours on end.

Did I mention that he was quirky? I think that's one of the things we loved most about him! He rarely sleeps. He drinks Dr. Pepper for breakfast, which is usually around noon. He actually wrote a Dr. Pepper jingle back in the day and he sang it for us on Thursday. What a treat that was! He lived on his own in an apartment across the street from Central Park and never owned a car. I'm not even sure if he ever had a driver’s license... he certainly hasn't ever had a New York license. He is very picky about what he eats and is adamant that it be healthy. He is a very solitary man, yet he has amazing friends. I had the privilege of meeting one of his dearest friends, Sal Basile last week. Don is a lucky man to have such a dear friend. (As an aside, Sal wrote a book called "Fifth Avenue Famous" about the history of music at St. Patrick's Cathedral and he includes many stories about Don.)

His mind never strayed far from music day and night. It was his life. It was his love; his passion. And I have a feeling that we've reached the end of an era. That's what is so sad. One minute he was living his dream and the next minute, he was hit by a car and in the ICU, fighting for his life. None of us ever thought it would happen like that. But as I know, oh so well, life can change in the blink of an eye and sideswipe us in ways we never imagined possible.

At this point, we don't know what the future holds for dear Uncle Don. My dream is for him to recover to the point that he is once again able to play the organ, perhaps giving lessons and playing concerts. We're not sure if he'll stay in NYC or perhaps move to Minnesota, where he can be close to my mom (his sister), dad, my brother Ken and his family. We would all love to see that happen. Perhaps it's selfish on our parts, but we want to be able to see him more often and be a part of his life. And I think that living near family would be wonderful for him. But time will tell. For now, we're just taking it a day at a time and praying that he will recover to the point that he would perhaps be able to live in an assisted living facility. We want nothing more than for him to regain his strength and get his independence back. But he's frustrated with himself and he's tired of being so dependent on others for everything. I can't blame him either. I will continue to pray for him daily…

Come Dance With Me... Wedding Song #3

Photo Credit: Chris Cozzone

Well, it's about time to get back to my "wedding Playlist" blogs and I'm only on song #3 because life's been crazy lately with so much travel. I'm on the plane right now, headed home from Chicago to San Francisco after an amazing weekend with family and friends; cheering Emily on as she completed her very first (of many) marathon(s).

Emily: Chicago Marathon 2013

I cannot continue without saying "CONGRATULATIONS" to Emily for not only finishing the Chicago Marathon with an awesome time, but also beating her dad's time by 10 minutes... GO EMILY!

So back to Nicholas and Berenice's wedding and the song that really got the party started... "Come Dance With Me," recorded by Michael Buble.

Photo Credit: Chris Cozzone

It was the perfect song (in my opinion) because it was an American song with a Latin flair and boy, did it ever get everyone out on the dance floor! I could tell immediately that we not only had a great party going but also that we had a "dancing crowd" in our midst. Even our DJ, Brian, mentioned to me in an email a week later that he had just DJ'd at a Wente Vineyards wedding and while it was a "great time", it "wasn't the Ackerman wedding!" What a wonderful compliment!

I don't think anyone could resist crowding onto the dance floor and moving to this song.

Photo Credit: Chris Cozzone

The Latin beat, the lyric, and the compelling music were just perfect and I'll never forget it. I was grabbing those "lingering guests" who were reluctant to dance and pulling them out onto the dance floor to dance with me and to be honest, I believe that this was one of many highlights of the California wedding for me.

Photo Credit: Nancy Pascutoi

 

Below is a link to the song on YouTube as performed by Michael Buble. Enjoy listening to "Come Dance With Me." Dance right where you are as you listen...and anytime the spirit moves you, come find me because I'm ALWAYS up for a good dance party! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyF09ID_oCA

(By the way, I didn't know what the word "Terpischore" meant so I (of course) googled it and this is what I found... "In Greek mythology, Terpsichore "delight in dancing" was one of the nine Muses, ruling over dance and the dramatic chorus." Pretty cool, eh? And now that I know the meaning of that word, I do believe my favorite line in the song has to be:

"Hey there, cutes, put on your dancing boots and come dance with me!

Come dance with me, what an evening for some Terpsichore:"

Dance on, my family and friends...

One Voice...

I've had many people over the years ask me where I got the idea to title my blog "One Voice" so I decided to blog about it! It all happened while I was in London's Hyde Park, attending the final evening of Proms in the Park where the headliner was none other than Barry Manilow.

Having been a life-long fan of Barry's, I was thrilled that my trip to Bosnia coincided with Barry's show at the Proms. I had already begun writing blog posts, though they had yet to be posted on my blog since I hadn't actually set one up yet. You see, I didn't have a name for it, and what's a blog without a name?

So there I stood in Hyde Park that night with 5,000 other folks, listening to Barry as he sang his encore entitled "One Voice." Though I'd heard the title track from the album, released in 1979 hundreds of times and knew the lyric and harmonies by heart, I had never HEARD it quite like I did on that evening. As he sang the words, "...all it takes is ONE VOICE... If only One Voice would start it on its own we need just One Voice facing the unknown, and then that One Voice would never be alone it takes that One Voice..." it hit me like a ton of bricks! That was it... that was my blog title... ONE VOICE!!! 

But for me, it wasn't going to be "One Voice singing..." but rather it was going to be My "One Voice SPEAKING". Yes. God had blessed me with the gift of writing and He wanted me to used that gift to reach others. He had given me a Voice and I had the honor and privilege of using it to reach out to people in ways I never even imagined. It started with my Bosnia blog, which followed my travels to meet with women who had lived through the unimaginable.... they had survived a war. They received funds from World Vision's Micro Finance Organization called Vision Fund and were now financially independent women. They very quickly became my heroes and my inspiration.

I was also privileged to use my One Voice to document Christopher's accident and recovery from a Severe Traumatic Brain Injury during the Spring of 2010, then also MY brush with death when I suffered a Pulmonary Embolism just seven months later, including  the ensuing sleeplessness, PTSD and depression from all that I had experienced in just a little more than a year. I have been urged by many to turn my blog, especially the posts about Christopher's Brain Injury into a memoir and I just think I might do that. His is a success story... a miracle story and one that perhaps needs to be told to a larger audience than I have here on my blog. But I'm working on that one. Stay tuned...

Below is the link to a video of Barry Manilow way back when, rehearsing and then performing "One Voice" and I just love his description of the song and how it came to be. Even if you're not a Manilow fan, the video is worth the look, so take a few minutes and watch it... I think you'll enjoy it and perhaps it will help you understand why I chose One Voice for the title of my blog. Cheers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQrcI1ZcK7M

Mujer Divina... Wedding song no. 2

Wedding song number two just HAD to be the song that Berenice and Nicholas used for their first dance at both the California and the Mexico weddings. It is a beautiful love song and I’m so glad to have been introduced to it!

I asked Emily to do a rough translation of the lyric and so we have her to thank for being able to understand the sentiment of the song.

I’m including several things in this blog post. The first is the link to Bere and Nick dancing to this song in Mexico.

The video ends suddenly because Nick and Bere came over to her father, Rahpael and I, and brought us out onto the dance floor to dance with them. I will never forget those dances with my boy, Nicholas! Below the You tube link is the lyric to the song; first in Spanish because it is so beautiful in that language, and then translated into English. I believe that my favorite line of this song is as follows:

"You have made me walk, go over distances. I can breathe you, feed my love. Also, you make me cry; my tears of honey, woman..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7MsIPh15_Q

Mujer Divina

Mujer, mujer divina
Tienes el veneno que fascina en tu mirar

Mujer que no se olvida,
Tienes vibración de sonatina pasional

Tienes el perfume de un naranjo en flor,
El altivo porte de una majestad

Sabes de los filtros que hay en el amor,
Tienes el hechizo de la liviandad

La divina magia de un atardecer,
O la maravilla de la inspiración
Tienes en el brillo de tu ser
Todo el palpitar de una canción
Y eres la razón de mí existir, mujer

Tienes en el ritmo de tu ser
Todo el palpitar de una canción
Eres la razón de mí existir, mujer

Tú me haces caminar, distancias recorrer
Te puedo respirar, alimentas mi querer
También me haces llorar, mis lágrimas de miel, mujer.

Mujer Divina (translation)

Woman, divine woman,

You have venom in your looks that fascinate me.

Woman that is not forgotten,

You have vibrations of a passionate sonata.

You have the perfume of a flowering orange,

The haughty bearing of majesty.

You know of the blocks that are a part of love,

You have the enchantment of lightness.

The divine magic of dusk,

Or the marvel of inspiration.

You shine the way you are,

The throb of a song,

And you are the reason for my existence, woman.

You have the rhythm of being,

The throb of a song,

You are the reason for my existence, woman.

You have made me walk, go over distances,

I can breathe you, feed my love.

Also, you make me cry; my tears of honey, woman.

Golden...

I've had a lot of family and friends ask me about various songs from Nick and Bere's California wedding so I thought I'd post several songs that were played throughout the evening over the next several weeks here on my blog. Here's one of my favorites and it has such a perfect lyric for a newly married couple. Aw heck... it's perfect for any couple! The song is the title track from Lady Antebellum's latest album called "Golden" and my favorite lyric from this song is:

'Cause you are golden, lovely
Oh so hard to find.
Yeah you are goodness, forgiveness
Of the purest kind..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1mmxJQhCQc

We are now a family of SIX...

The journey of child-rearing is one for which I have been blessed three-fold.

Nicholas at age three in 1989

First Nicholas was born in 1986, then Emily came along eight years later in 1993.

Emily, four years old in 1997

Christopher was born in 1996, almost three years after Emily.

Christopher at eighteen months in 1997

I have had the joy and privilege of being a stay-at-home mother and I can honestly say that raising my children has been the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. I have loved every moment of it. I remember when they were babies saying that I never wanted them to become toddlers. Then at the toddler stage, I didn't want them to become pre-schoolers and so on. Each and every stage just got better and better as they grew from tiny, fully DEPENDENT infants into beautiful, fully INDEPENDENT young men and woman.

Nicholas & Christopher before the California wedding, August 18, 2013

Emily & Nicholas before the Mexico wedding, August 24, 2013, photo credit: Roby Fisk

Christopher & Emily before the Mexico wedding, August 24, 2013, photo credit: Roby Fisk

But I have to say that these current years are the BEST!!! I love interacting with my "children" as adults and the conversations that we have are so full of life, energy and the quest to learn, grow and accumulate knowledge and life-experience.

However, I always knew that my goal was to raise my children to leave. That might sound strange, but I believe that God entrusted me with these tiny beings for the sole purpose of teaching them to be fully independent and functional adults who spend their lives contributing meaningfully to this world in which we live. I can only pray that I have succeeded in reaching this goal. 

Berenice & Nicholas in the Wente Vineyards Barrel Room, August 18, 2013, Photo credit: Chris Cozzone

Last month, my firstborn, Nicholas married his best friend, Berenice Rosales, and I couldn't be any happier! They married at Wente Vineyards in Livermore, CA on August 18th and then again in Huamantla, Tlaxcala, Mexico on August 24th.

Berenice & Nicholas at the end of the evening of their wedding in Mexico; fireworks and all! Aug. 24, 2013, photo credit: Ricardo Bandala

Both weddings were unique and magical. I will never forget either one of them and the lovely mix of family and friends. I can't even say that I liked one better than the other... they were each special in their own way. During the planning of the California wedding, I remember wondering how I would feel on their wedding day. I've heard of mothers being sad because they're "losing" their child (especially their firstborn) so I wondered if I would experience this sadness. But alas, I woke up that morning feeling exhilarated! Wasn't this what I raised him to do? To become an independent adult who falls in love and marries his best friend? And the double blessing was that I would be gaining a daughter that day... a beautiful young woman, inside and out who loves my son so much that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Could life get any better than this? I LOVE my new daughter!!!

A lovely moment during the California wedding, August 18, 2013, Photo credit: Chris Cozzone

 

And so now we have gone from a family of five to a family of six and I couldn't be any more grateful to God for this blessing! I can't wait to see Bere and Nick again and to continue to be a part of their lives, supporting and encouraging them as they navigate this thing called "marriage." I do believe they're off to a great start and I wish them a life filled with love, adventure, fun and growth!

Our family of SIX!!! Photo Credit: Chris Cozzone