Bosnia Blog Part 16 - 10/2/09

Bosnia Blog Part 16 - Friday, October 2, 2009, 10:30 a.m.

Things are getting better.  I’m gradually feeling more optimistic….more like myself….the oppressive sadness is slowly being replaced with a determination to do something positive with all that I saw and heard.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m still sad for all that the women of Bosnia had to live through and the struggles they endure on a daily basis, but I’m figuring out what to do with my experience.  Tears still come easily…..at the drop of a hat, but I believe that that will get better with time.  My friend Michelle told me that if I didn’t feel like crying at the stories I heard, THAT would be a problem.  Perspective….thanks Michelle.

There are a couple of things that I attribute to the progress I’ve made over the past week.  First is my family's willingness to listen to the stories as I relive my journey….to hear what it is that I have experienced.  It is so helpful to be able to share with those I love all that my heart and head are filled with.  And then for their willingness to say goodbye to me as I left again this morning, only 10 days after returning from my 13-day absence….Thanks for your patience and love, Paul, Nick, Emily and Christopher. 

Secondly, getting over my jet lag was a good thing.  I was so very tired for the first 5 days I was home that it was difficult to even think straight after 6:00 pm.  I think the most difficult day was Thursday, when Emily wanted to DRIVE ME, yes, Emily behind the wheel for my first time.  Oh my…that really tested my inner strength.  I was a bundle of nerves and I now know that the main reason for that was my jet lag.  Emily is a confident driver and has now driven me safely around town.  She even encountered a deer lunging out in front of the car the other night and handled it like a seasoned driver.  I have since apologized profusely for my behavior and I believe that she has forgiven me.

Third, the encouragement of friends and family.  Many of you have spoken so kindly of my writing over the past couple of weeks and you don’t know how much that means to me.  But me?  Really?  Putting all of this into a book?  Now that would really be a stretch for me….but then again, I thought that going to Bosnia was beyond my reach.  For now, you’ll have to put up with my written words on this blog. 

The final reason for my progress is the wise words I have received from so many of you.  This is all new to me, but for some of you, the world of “those who have seen” is very familiar.  You have walked down this road before and have figured out what to do with your experience.  I think the most compelling bit of advice came from a friend who has been involved with Humanitarian work for some 20 years now.  This is what he said to me, “Remember, you must live your life…not in spite of those who you saw…but because of those who you saw.  They want a life of normalcy; don’t give yours up because they don’t have it.  The better your life is, the more you can do for others” (John Smarge).  He suggested that I do something concrete, something that can be measured by its' progress in definite terms.  I get that and will do it.  He then told me the cold hard truth.  He said that if he were with me, he would probably shake me and tell me that I am only satisfying my own needs by being despondent.  “If you want to help, rejoice in what you saw and know that you will make a difference.  You can’t be in Bosnia…you live in the US.  Your life is here….Enjoy it!!!”   Yes, I told him that he was harsh and brutally honest and that I “considered myself shaken.”  Then I really thought about all that he had said and had to admit that he was right. 

So here I sit, at the Las Vegas Hilton, looking forward to seeing my pal Barry Manilow tonight.  As hard as it was to leave my family yet again this morning, I think it was exactly what I needed.  Being thrust back into life after my week in Bosnia was difficult.  I believe it was just as difficult for my husband and children as it was for me and I really needed this time away….away from all the distractions of life….to think and to write.  I’m already feeling better, but that might just be because I’m in the same building as Barry (oh, I'm just kidding!)  

I want to thank all of you for reading what I’ve written, for listening to me, for looking at my photos, for being patient and for being honest.  This journey is not over for me, but rather, it has just begun.  I have learned and been stretched more during the past 2 weeks than in the past 20 years.  I don’t know that I would have been ready for it 20 or even 2 years ago.  The time was right for me and I’m so thankful for the opportunity to have my eyes opened….to see and hear the unimaginable…..to see strength and resilience that only comes through suffering….to count myself among those who “have seen”….to be inspired by those who have lived through tragedy and have survived.  I won’t be despondent, though, and I will be proactive.  I will live my life and I will continue to be that “One Voice, (speaking) so they hear what’s on my mind….” 

Angela….did you say we’re going to MALI next?  WEST AFRICA…hmmmmm….get ready heart.....

Bosnia Blog Part 15 - 9/27/09

Bosn    Bosnia Blog Part 15 - Sunday, September 27, 2009, 
             10:20 p.m.

Re-entry is difficult….my heart aches and I’m not sure what to do with all that I’m feeling after spending time with and hearing the stories that the Bosnian women shared with us.  Living through war is unimaginable.  I feel very sad and I’m struggling to re-enter my life here at home.  All that I saw and heard is swirling around my head and heart. 

We spent the weekend in Santa Cruz at Christopher’s soccer tournament.  The distraction was good and there were many people who wanted to hear about my trip.  I’m glad to have been able to tell these women’s stories, but the sadness I feel is oppressive.  What used to be so important now seems trivial at best.  I really didn’t expect this….

Bosnia Blog Part 14 - 9/22/09

B        Bosnia Blog Part 14–Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 
             1:30 p.m.

It’s time to go home.  I’m so ready to go home.  I’m on my way home.  We’ve been in the air for 1½ hours and things are good here on Virgin Atlantic.  This morning began with a reunion with Ashley, who took Jeanie, Janet and I to Heathrow.  It was nice to see him again.  He had the starter replaced on his car the week after our little adventure and I’m sure he is happier than I am that his car is up and running again. 

He wanted to know all about our week in Bosnia and it was interesting telling him about it.  I know that I’ve been writing my thoughts down along the way of this adventure, but actually saying the words to a live person is a whole different thing.  On the one hand, I was so happy to be telling the stories of these women who think they’ve been forgotten.  At the same time, the emotions that rose to the surface surprised me.  It was as though I was sitting there with them again….reliving their nightmares, and I felt so sad.  It took everything in me to hold it together…to not cry.  Hmmmm….I wasn’t expecting that….Anyway, Ashley was moved by what we had to tell him and seemed to be inspired to hear about the strength and resilience of these women. 

Saying goodbye to Jeanie and Janet was hard to do.  It’s amazing how quickly women bond with each other over shared experiences.  I will miss them so much and I’m so thankful to have made new friends.  They both live in Southern California, so seeing them again shouldn’t be too difficult. 

Jeanie has worked for World Vision for 20 years and loves her work.  She and I were the only two women on the trip who hadn’t ever traveled out of the US, so we had something in common right from the start.  We really hit it off and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company during the trip.  We are thinking about meeting in Vegas for a long weekend sometime.  That would be really fun! 

Janet lives in Santa Barbara and her daughter, Jennifer was also on the trip.  Janet is a kind, soft-spoken woman with inner strength that I’m not sure even she is aware she posesses. 

I watched her open up to us throughout the week and was moved by what she had to say.  I am so glad to have met Janet.  Jennifer lives in Southern California and is a minister.  She is one of those people who you meet and instantly have respect for.  

What a wise woman she is.  Although our children are far apart in age (hers are 4 and 7), we did have motherhood in common and enjoyed sharing tales from the home.  I was impressed by Jen’s quiet, respectful demeanor and hope our paths cross again someday.

Mary….what can I say about Mary?  I actually knew Mary before this trip.  But now, I REALLY know Mary.  She works with the students at our church and is my daughter’s small group leader/mentor.  Because of their relationship, I have kept my distance a little from her, wanting to respect the connection they have.  During our week in Bosnia, though, all bets were off and we were destined to bond!  What great times we had in the back row of the van!  I don’t know that I have ever laughed so much and I really loved getting to know her better.  I am more thankful than ever today that Mary plays such a significant role in Emily’s life.  What a rock she is…truly gifted and such an incredible person.  Mary is Angela’s assistant (and so much more) and now I know why Angela’s work life runs so smoothly.  They have a great, respectful relationship.  Mary, I was so glad to hand that hard drive off to you after so carefully transporting the voluble contents home!  You’re the best!

I’ve already spoken at length about Angela, but let me just say that traveling with her was quite an adventure.  She really knows about leading a group and is quite proficient at it.  Not only was she concerned that we would all have the experience that she had told us we would have (which sometimes involved changing the day’s itinerary on the spot), but she was thorough, informative and ALWAYS funny! Angela really has a gift for watching out for those she is travelling with….and each of us had our unique needs.  I felt so cared-for and loved and I believed that the experience I was having was important to her on a daily basis.  I think we all felt that way.  She was so kind, respectful and caring to those we met and worked with along the way.  I would be honored to travel with her again.

I think it's a good thing that this is a long flight home.  While I am beyond excited to be with my family again, I feel so raw and that I have so much to process.  I wonder what the jetlag will be like when I get home?  I'm going to hope for the best and just enjoy reconnecting with those I love the most.  Now it's time for one more afternoon tea and scone.....yummmmmm!

I thi

Bosnia Blog Part 13 - 9/21/09

Bosnia Blog-Mon. 9/21/09, 11:45 p.m.

We arrived in Dubrovnik in the late afternoon on Saturday.  We stayed 

at the same hotel as before, the Hotel Dubrovnik, and our rooms were 

very comfortable. 

Saturday night we went to Dubrovnik Old City for 

dinner.  

In 1991, the Old City was shelled over several months during 

the Balkan conflict. Hundreds of historical buildings were blown apart 

or seriously damaged. Fortunately, Dubrovnik is now restored to its 

former condition and it is such a beautiful city.

That night, we walked down Stradun. It is the marble-paved main avenue 

that bisects Dubrovnik Old City. The street is constructed of these 

beautiful marble pavers that glisten in the night lights. 

The street 

level is full of storefronts and cafes, which are a wonderful place to 

sit and people-watch. Above the street level are apartments/homes 

which are mostly occupied by the store owners. There was a cathedral 

in the middle of the town and the streets were filled with restaurants....just one after another. 

It's very difficult to describe 

this area....while we were outside the entire time, because of the way 

it's constructed, we almost felt as though we were inside. But then we 

would look up and see the night sky. 

It was a beautiful evening, we had a wonderful leisurely meal and enjoyed a walk after dinner where we stopped for ice cream.  

On Sunday we enjoyed breakfast on the hotel veranda overlooking the Adriatic Sea.  

Some of us traveled to Dubrovnik Old City by boat and walked the wall around the city.  From the wall, you have beautiful views of both the city and the sea.  We had our final meal in Dubrovnik that evening and spent a little time reminiscing about our time in Bosnia, our experiences and thoughts about women traveling out of the US.  We then headed to the airport and flew back to London, arriving at Gatwick around midnight. 

We were taken to our hotel, the Soroptomist Residential Club on Bayswater Road, across the street from Hyde Park. 

Monday was Angela’s opportunity to share a bit of her home town with all of us.  

After breakfast, we took the Tube to Westminster Abbey and from there, caught a tour/cruise boat and headed down the Thames River.  There was so much to see and we enjoyed another beautiful day in London.  

We traveled to Greenwich, seeing the London Eye, the Tower Bridge and many other sights along the way.  

Did you know that the word WHARF is an acronym for “Ware House At River Front”?  This was news to me.  I indulged several of you who had insisted that while in London I go to a pub and have a beer, so I did just that while in Greenwich.  




I even have the photo to prove it…..I must admit though, that it isn’t my beer that I’m holding in the photo….I only took a sip of it….I just don’t like the stuff….sorry!  

After a mediocre Pub lunch of meat pies, yorkshire pudding with roast beef and fish and chips we headed back down the Thames.  We traveled on the Tube to Marble Arch, got off and walked to Marks and Spencer, a department store with a wonderful culinary section.  We stocked up on fruit, salads, scones, pastries and miscellaneous “you can only find this in London” items.  

We hailed a black taxi on the street and had a wonderful, colorful cab driver who indulged us with photos after the ride to our hotel. 

We had about 30 minutes to change and get ready to head out again, this time to the New London Theatre near Drury Lane to see the play Warhorse.  It was in a beautiful old theatre and we had wonderful seats in the balcony, front row and right in the center.  The play was very well done and the horses were, well, I guess you’d call them puppets.  They were life-sized and were operated by 3 people.  It was amazing how life-like they were….I almost forgot that I wasn’t looking at live horses on stage.  It was a wonderful story and I’m so glad we had the opportunity to go. 

We were exhausted by the time we arrived back at our hotel and I know that I’m not the only one of us who is beyond excited to be going home tomorrow. 

Bosnia Blog Part 12 - 9/19/09

Bosnia Blog-Saturday, 9/19/09

11:30 pm

Last night (Friday) was our final night in Sarajevo. I miss my family  

so very much, I'm exhausted physically and emotionally and can't wait  

to get home. At the same time, I really don't want to leave this  

country.  I feel as though we saw and heard so much yet only touched  

the surface. The women of Bosnia have left an indelible impression on  

my heart.  When I think of all they've been through yet they trusted  

us....six lily-white Americans....enough to open up and share so much  

pain, suffering and personal heartache, I'm moved beyond words.

I SO wish I could speak their language. Yes, we all smile, kiss and  

cry in the same language, but what I would give to tell them with my  

own voice how very sorry I am for their pain, how touched I am that  

they invited us into their homes and that I WILL bring their stories  

back to America.

Not only am I sad to leave the suffering women in Bosnia, but also I am not  

ready to say goodbye to the World Vision women who have made this trip  

so wonderful for us.  First of all, there is Maja, who has been with  

us all week long....translating seamlessly, not only the words, but  

words with such emotion. She handled the many glitches that appeared  

along the way like a seasoned veteran. She is kind, sweet, funny,  

bright and mature beyond her years.  If I could, I would pack her in  

my suitcase and bring her home with me. 

I will miss our daily hugs and  

many laughs. I love you, Maja.  I'm honored to wear the scarf you so lovingly removed from around your neck and put on mine, and I'm so glad we're going to keep in touch.

There is Claudia, Operations Director for World Vision, from Germany.   

We first met her on Wednesday. What a warm, accepting, professional,  

personable, and fun woman to be with. I really got to know Claudia in  

the van today during the drive from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik. We  

certainly had plenty of time to bond....7 hours to be exact. The  

stories she told Mary (one of the six ladies I traveled with) and I were both hilarious (about her personal life) and  

amazing (stories from the war).  The things the Bosnian people did  

just to survive, risking their lives to save their families are hard  

to believe.  I am looking forward to keeping in touch with Claudia, as  

well.

Sue, the World Vision Bosnia-Herzegovina National Director is a force to be reckoned  

with.  

A woman who just seems to "have it all together," we learned so  

much during our time with her. She is passionate about her work, the  

women of Bosnia and Humanitarian work in general. It was an absolute  

privilege to spend time with Sue.

I met Alma for the first time during dinner last night and had the  

privilege of sitting next to her. She is the Finance Officer at WV and  

was so vulnerable with us. 

Within minutes of sitting down, we, being  

women, started asking about each other's families.  Alma told us that  

she has lived in Sarajevo her entire life, is married and had a baby  

boy during the war. She said that no one would ever choose to do  

that....it just happened. She lived next door to the hospital and  

while giving birth, the power went out. Because she'd had a c-section,  

they had to suture her up in the dark. One day when her mother was in  

her apartment on the top floor with Alma and her son, she said that it  

just seemed "too quiet."  Her mother insisted that they go down to her  

ground floor apartment. Within minutes, Alma's apartment was  

shelled....the interior destroyed entirely.  Because they had a baby,  

the hospital provided food for her family during the war. They named  

him Damir...."Da" means "gift" and "Mir" means "peace.". He will be 16  

years old this month and she said that he truly was a gift to them. I  

was touched by Alma's kindness and vulnerability. I will never forget  

her.

Jasmina....what is to be said about Jasmina. I have never met a woman  

like her. I have already written much of her story down, so I won't  

repeat it here.  

When I think of Jasmina, my heart aches for all that  

she has endured, for how her life has changed since the war. 

But I am in awe of her resilience, her optimism and her leadership. She has the  

strength of 10 women and the determination of an entire army. It was  

an honor to be in her presence and a privilege now, to call her  

"friend."  (The two photos above are of Jasmina and her children during the war.  They are on the side of their house, and you can see the ditch they dug for protection.)

Finally, there is Kenan.....our fearless driver. I don't know many  

men who possess the patience of Kenan. He was with us from Sunday  

night, picking us up at the airport until tonight, dropping us off  

after dinner. He literally drove us EVERYWHERE.  He was a very  

careful, clever and brilliant driver. We were in quite a large van,  

driving along winding, coastal, mountainous, country, extremely  

narrow, often one-way roads. The way he maneuvered that van was  

impressive, receiving applause from us from time to time. Kenan was  

quite reserved to begin with and I'm sure he wondered what in the  

world he'd gotten himself into, chauffeuring the 7 of us all around  

Croatia and Bosnia for a week.  

He spent countless hours waiting for  

us, schlepping our luggage in and out of the van, and listening to our  

incessant chatter.  By the time we'd hugged and said goodbye to him  

last night, though, we'd learned a little about his life during the  

war and, I believe, he was a little sad to leave us.  He told us that  

his English was not so good a week ago, but that he'd really brushed  

up on it by the end of our time together. I'll always remember how  

kind he was to me throughout the week.  (Kenan is the 2nd man from the left)

There are so many others that we met during the week and they all  

contributed so much to our time in Bosnia. World Vision is a first-

class organization and I wouldn't hesitate to travel with them again.   

I hope I have the privilege to return to Bosnia and see these folks  

again someday.