Bosnia Blog Part 16 - 10/2/09

Bosnia Blog Part 16 - Friday, October 2, 2009, 10:30 a.m.

Things are getting better.  I’m gradually feeling more optimistic….more like myself….the oppressive sadness is slowly being replaced with a determination to do something positive with all that I saw and heard.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m still sad for all that the women of Bosnia had to live through and the struggles they endure on a daily basis, but I’m figuring out what to do with my experience.  Tears still come easily…..at the drop of a hat, but I believe that that will get better with time.  My friend Michelle told me that if I didn’t feel like crying at the stories I heard, THAT would be a problem.  Perspective….thanks Michelle.

There are a couple of things that I attribute to the progress I’ve made over the past week.  First is my family's willingness to listen to the stories as I relive my journey….to hear what it is that I have experienced.  It is so helpful to be able to share with those I love all that my heart and head are filled with.  And then for their willingness to say goodbye to me as I left again this morning, only 10 days after returning from my 13-day absence….Thanks for your patience and love, Paul, Nick, Emily and Christopher. 

Secondly, getting over my jet lag was a good thing.  I was so very tired for the first 5 days I was home that it was difficult to even think straight after 6:00 pm.  I think the most difficult day was Thursday, when Emily wanted to DRIVE ME, yes, Emily behind the wheel for my first time.  Oh my…that really tested my inner strength.  I was a bundle of nerves and I now know that the main reason for that was my jet lag.  Emily is a confident driver and has now driven me safely around town.  She even encountered a deer lunging out in front of the car the other night and handled it like a seasoned driver.  I have since apologized profusely for my behavior and I believe that she has forgiven me.

Third, the encouragement of friends and family.  Many of you have spoken so kindly of my writing over the past couple of weeks and you don’t know how much that means to me.  But me?  Really?  Putting all of this into a book?  Now that would really be a stretch for me….but then again, I thought that going to Bosnia was beyond my reach.  For now, you’ll have to put up with my written words on this blog. 

The final reason for my progress is the wise words I have received from so many of you.  This is all new to me, but for some of you, the world of “those who have seen” is very familiar.  You have walked down this road before and have figured out what to do with your experience.  I think the most compelling bit of advice came from a friend who has been involved with Humanitarian work for some 20 years now.  This is what he said to me, “Remember, you must live your life…not in spite of those who you saw…but because of those who you saw.  They want a life of normalcy; don’t give yours up because they don’t have it.  The better your life is, the more you can do for others” (John Smarge).  He suggested that I do something concrete, something that can be measured by its' progress in definite terms.  I get that and will do it.  He then told me the cold hard truth.  He said that if he were with me, he would probably shake me and tell me that I am only satisfying my own needs by being despondent.  “If you want to help, rejoice in what you saw and know that you will make a difference.  You can’t be in Bosnia…you live in the US.  Your life is here….Enjoy it!!!”   Yes, I told him that he was harsh and brutally honest and that I “considered myself shaken.”  Then I really thought about all that he had said and had to admit that he was right. 

So here I sit, at the Las Vegas Hilton, looking forward to seeing my pal Barry Manilow tonight.  As hard as it was to leave my family yet again this morning, I think it was exactly what I needed.  Being thrust back into life after my week in Bosnia was difficult.  I believe it was just as difficult for my husband and children as it was for me and I really needed this time away….away from all the distractions of life….to think and to write.  I’m already feeling better, but that might just be because I’m in the same building as Barry (oh, I'm just kidding!)  

I want to thank all of you for reading what I’ve written, for listening to me, for looking at my photos, for being patient and for being honest.  This journey is not over for me, but rather, it has just begun.  I have learned and been stretched more during the past 2 weeks than in the past 20 years.  I don’t know that I would have been ready for it 20 or even 2 years ago.  The time was right for me and I’m so thankful for the opportunity to have my eyes opened….to see and hear the unimaginable…..to see strength and resilience that only comes through suffering….to count myself among those who “have seen”….to be inspired by those who have lived through tragedy and have survived.  I won’t be despondent, though, and I will be proactive.  I will live my life and I will continue to be that “One Voice, (speaking) so they hear what’s on my mind….” 

Angela….did you say we’re going to MALI next?  WEST AFRICA…hmmmmm….get ready heart.....