What used to be so important....

Friday, November 13, 2009

Fifteen months and twenty-one days ago I made a purchase.  I had thought long and hard about whether or not to do it.  Not only was it a bit pricey, but also purchasing it meant that I was going to have to do something I had never done before.  I was going to have to step out of my comfort zone.  Still, I wanted to do it.  I was excited to do it. 

At the time, July 23, 2008, I was still living my safe little life in my tiny little world.  I was fully complacent and quite content.   My life revolved around my family and my home.  I had recently discovered the joy of traveling to Las Vegas to see Barry Manilow perform.  His music moves me like no other, so seeing him perform live was very fulfilling.  I had heard about this thing called a “Platinum Package” that could be purchased.  For a small fortune, one had the opportunity to meet the man, one-on-one, have a photo taken with him, receive an autographed ‘something-or-other’ and sit in a front row seat for that evenings’ show.  The proceeds went to the Manilow Fund For Health and Hope, so that seemed pretty cool.   I fully embraced the support of non-profit organizations.

I thought it sounded exciting to meet Barry and have the opportunity to thank him for his music throughout the past 34 years.  I wanted to tell him how his music had helped me through some very difficult times and had inspired me….how listening to his music today takes me somewhere else….sometimes to the good places….other times to the not-so-good places.  I wanted to thank him for continuing to write, record and perform and to ask him if he would ever make another jazz album like his brilliant 2:00 AM Paradise Café record.   

So when the dates for the Platinum packages were announced, I had 48 hours to decided if I wanted to do it or not.  I, of course decided to do it.  I chose a date towards the end of the year so that I would have a good long time to look forward to my meeting.  As soon as I made my purchase, panic set in.  What if I froze when I walked into the room?  What if he was in one of his ‘bratty’ moods that night (you know how moody artists can be….)?  What if I said something really dumb?  Uh oh….what had I done? 

Well, as the months passed and I thought more about my meeting, I became less fearful and more excited.  I corresponded with several other women who were also going to meet him that night and began to really look forward to Friday, November 13, 2009.  I saw Barry multiple times during those fifteen months and became friends with many others who were also going to be in Vegas that weekend.  I started counting down the months, then weeks until my Platinum.  This was going to be the most exciting event of the year 2009 for Laura Ackerman, one that would never be forgotten.

Then I went to Bosnia.  I, of course wasn’t planning to go to Bosnia.  I had never planned on traveling out of the country, much less to ‘war-torn’ Bosnia.  Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone.  Nor had I planned on the changes that would transpire deep inside of me after meeting women who have lived through war, survived and were now my inspiration. 

I arrived home from Bosnia on September 22^nd a changed person.  Even at that point, I had no idea how very changed I had become.  Yes, I was a mess.  I cried at the drop of a hat, I thought incessantly about the beautiful women I had met and spent time with.  Their stories were swirling around in my head.  My heart ached for them.  I was so sad for what they had lived through and I couldn’t seem to re-enter my life as I once knew it.  I became despondent.  What used to be so important now seemed trivial at best.  I was challenged and ‘shaken’ by a friend to start living again….to start living my life of normalcy that they so long for…to live my life “not in spite  of those who I met but because of those who I met.”

It was about that time that I received word that several ‘Ultimate Manilow” shows had been cancelled; including the weekend that I had scheduled my ‘Platinum’ meeting.  No Barry Manilow shows…..no Platinum meetings.  My response?  “Oh well.  Maybe I’ll have the opportunity to meet him some other time.”  And that was that.  What?  But I had been looking forward to this event for more than a year!  I was counting down the days.  My flight and hotel reservations had been made.  It was to be the most exciting event of my year!  What was going on with me?  Shouldn’t I be devastated?  Shouldn’t I be angry?  Shouldn’t I be crying?  Huh….perhaps there were more important things going on in this world than meeting a celebrity.  Ya think?  I always knew that there were much more important things going on in this world than meeting celebrities, but now, I really knew.  My heart really knew.  I had seen, first-hand some of those more important things.  Yes, what used to be so important REALLY IS trivial at best. 

So, after fifteen months and twenty-one days, the DAY is finally here.  November 13, 2009.  I am not in Las Vegas and I am not going to be meeting Barry Manilow tonight.  Am I disappointed?  Sure, a little.  Am I sad?  Yup, a bit.  Am I missing my wonderful friends that I would be with right now?  Yes, A LOT!  Am I going to miss his wonderful shows that always make me leave feeling so happy and just loving everyone?  Absolutely.  Would I have enjoyed telling Mr. Manilow what his music has meant to me throughout the years?  Of course!  Do I still hope that I will have that opportunity someday?  You bet! 

But whether that day comes or not, I know that it will be okay because I am a changed person.  My heart will never be the same and for that I am thankful.  I will forever look at life through different eyes.  My heart breaks more easily, I am more sensitive and I still cry when I think of or talk about the women of Bosnia.  But I can talk about them now.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Jasmina, Remza, Shaharizad, Fata, and Hira.  Their faces are imprinted in my memory and I never want to forget them.  It is a privilege to tell their stories, stories of unimaginable loss, suffering, hope and inspiration.  Yes, THAT is what is really important.  Now I really know.  Thanks, Ladies…