January 1, 2010
Last night marked the end…the end of the most amazing year of my life. I just celebrated my 49th birthday and I have found myself doing a bit of reflective thinking. So much has changed for me in the past year. My trip to Vegas last April…my very first trip alone, all by myself marked the beginning of the coming out of Laura Ackerman.
My role in life has always been a supportive one. I was a woman who lived in the shadows. My Vegas weekend was wonderful and it was there that I discovered that I have spent my life taking care of others…doing what they want to do. Keeping those around me safe, comfortable and happy was my job. I had gone straight from being my parents’ daughter to becoming my husbands’ wife and then my kids’ mother. I was a peacemaker and ‘the rock’. While in Vegas that weekend, I realized that there is nothing wrong with any of that, as long as it is balanced with time spent on and for myself. This realization was liberating and thus began my journey into the new world of making room for ‘me’.
It was because of my awakening that weekend that I agreed to travel to Bosnia in September. I’ve posted many blogs about how that trip changed my heart, but it also changed how I view myself. I found that I was not afraid to travel alone…to Vegas…to London…even to war-torn Bosnia. I, of course didn’t know this about myself, as I’d not previously given myself the opportunity to find out. My writing while in Bosnia also liberated me. I not only discovered that I could do it, but because of feedback from family and friends, I found that it was a gift I had that had been untapped.
I now feel that the inner confidence that I always believed in has been unleashed. I see myself and my life through new eyes. At times I am sad that I spent more than 48 years living in the shadows. I am angry with those around me for fostering it. But then the rational Laura Ackerman steps in and I give myself a kick in the *** for waiting so long to unleash what I, and I alone always knew was living within me. I take full responsibility for my complacency. Sometimes I think “what a loser you were”…not that I think I’m so great now. But then I realize that I wasn’t ready earlier. The time was right for me when it finally happened and I’m just thankful that MY time has finally arrived.
So as 2009 came to a close last night, I, for the first time in my life made New Year’s resolutions. My reason for having never made them? I guess I never really believed in their value. Most people make them, then quickly forget about the promises they've made to themselves, which leads to the breaking of those oh, so important resolutions. But this year is different. It’s been my amazing, liberating, heart-wrenching, soul-searching, beautiful year. I learned to see myself through new eyes, saw a world of pain and suffering I never imagined existed, heard inspiring stories, made wonderful new friends and resurrected beautiful friendships from my past. I saw a much bigger world that is so exciting and my opportunities for continued exploration seem to be around every corner. I’ve always been a romantic…a dreamer, but now my world is full of dreams so large that I’m not sure how I’ll be able to fit them all into this life that I have left to live. I have fully embraced who I am today and look forward to what the year 2010 has in store for me.
As my husband, my friends and I made our resolutions last night, we decided that we would have an “accountability dinner” on March 26th. Those who have met their first quarter goals will spend the next day together in the Napa Valley…drinking wine and dining on mouthwatering food. The unfortunate ones who haven’t met their goals will take a chilly swim in the pool…the water should register somewhere around 55 degrees that night. I know I’m motivated…a day in Napa drinking wine is so much more desirable than a mouthful of chlorine-infused water.
So here I sit, writing this post, the first step to achieving one of my New Year’s resolutions. I was listening to Barbra Streisand’s new album last night called Love Is The Answer and was moved by the lyric of the first cut, Here’s To Life. I believe that it so beautifully encompasses all that I am feeling at this nostalgic time of year and place in my life. Here is the link to the song so that you can listen to it and I’ve written the lyric below. Happy New Year, my family and friends, old and new. “Here’s to life…here’s to love…here’s to YOU.”
Here’s To Life
No complaints and no regrets.
I still believe in chasing dreams and placing bets.
For I have learned that all you give is all you get,
So give it all you got.
I had my share, I drank my fill.
And even though I’m satisfied, I’m hungry still
To see what’s down another road,
Beyond a hill, and do it all again.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Yes, here’s to life, and dreamers and their dreams.
Funny how the time just flies.
How love can go from warm hellos to sad goodbyes.
And leave you with the memories you’ve memorized
To keep your winters warm.
But there’s no yes in yesterday
And who knows what tomorrow brings or takes away.
As long as I’m still in the game I want to play
For laughs, for life, for love.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Yes, here’s to life, and dreamers and their dreams.
May all your storms be weathered,
And all that’s good get better.
Here’s to life, here’s to love, here’s to you.
