I Thought I Was So Strong...

Thursday, July 29, 2010, 9:30am

I thought I was so strong.  I thought I was so tough.  I thought I could handle anything.  It’s me… Laura Ackerman… the rock!   But I guess I’m really just a wimp.  At least that’s how I feel.  This is such an unfamiliar feeling for me. I’m not used to worrying, I’m not used to wondering, I’m not used to feeling scared.  I hate this.  I hate feeling all of this.  It makes me feel so weak, so fragile, like I’m such a loser.  When I told my husband how I was feeling, his response was not, “Oh, you’re not a wimp” or “You’re not a loser.”  No, his response was “Welcome to the real world.”

The real world.  So this is what it feels like?  Oh wow… I really was walking around with my head in the sand.  I don’t like the real world.  It’s hard.  It’s painful.  It sucks!  But here I am, living fully in it.  I have no choice.

Last week I learned that after reviewing the images of my most recent mammogram, something was found that looks “suspicious.”  I hated that phone call.  It came from out of the blue.  I had not expected it.  After all, things like this don’t happen to me.  Especially after all that I just went through with Christopher’s accident and subsequent brain injury.  I had my ‘bad thing’ happen.  There’s no way that another bad thing could come my way.  Or could it? 

What’s up with this?  Haven’t I been through enough?  Is someone trying to get my attention?  Is it God?  Didn’t He get my attention when Christopher fell from that tree?  I’m listening now… well, at least I thought I was, but maybe I’m not listening enough.  Or perhaps this has nothing to do with me listening to God.  Perhaps this is just what happens in the real world.  Women have mammograms.  Radiologists find suspicious things.  Sometimes it’s nothing. 

But sometimes, it’s cancer.  Oh, gosh… I hate that word.  I can hardly even say it.  My mom had it… cancer.  I think that’s why I’m so worried.  It was four years ago that she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but after surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, she is alive and healthy.   Perhaps that will be my story, as well.  We’ll see.  I’m sitting here, waiting to go in for my second mammogram and then an ultrasound.  As I just said… we’ll see…

11:30am

I’m fine… there’s no cancer… no need to worry… that’s it.  I’m fine!  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as the Radiologist showed me what she saw that had caused suspicion and then explained that after further testing, she now believes that it is nothing to worry about.  I think I am more surprised to hear that everything is okay than if she had told me that I had cancer.  I’m not sure why that is.  After all, it’s me… Laura Ackerman… the eternal optimist.  But these days, I guess that as I find myself living life in ‘the real world’, I am coming to terms with the fact that no one is immune.  No one is immune to their child falling out of a tree and sustaining a brain injury… no one is immune to having cancer… no one is immune to suffering.  Not even me.  So forward I will go.  Thankful for all that I have been blessed with and reluctantly grateful for the challenges that have been thrown my way during the past year.  At this point I  actually find myself saying, “Hmmm… I wonder what’s next?  Bring it on!”