I Feel So Sad Today...

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Sad. That's how I feel today. I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. I hate this ride. Yesterday I felt hopeful and as though I was coming back, bit by bit. I laughed; I answered the phone; I answered the door; I made plans with friends; I was thankful for my life and for how I've been blessed. That's how I felt just twenty-four hours ago. But as the day wore on, I felt myself slipping into the darkness. That deep, vast empty hole. When I began to enter that hole, MY hole, I fought it at first, but as I slipped deeper, it felt comfortable. It felt safe. It felt like home. It somehow felt good to feel bad. And it happened so quickly, effortlessly and slyly. It snuck up on me.

When I'm in my hole, my thoughts lean toward darkness. I'm drowning in a deep, dark well. I cry endlessly. I withdraw from life; even from the people I love most. Life goes on all around me, but I'm simply a bystander. My sad, hopeless thoughts and feelings consume me. I'm just a ghost in this house. I'm just a shadow upon these walls. I don't care if it rains. I don't care if it's clear. I don't mind staying in. Actually, I can't go out. I'm stuck. I can't muster the courage nor the strength to pull myself out, so here I remain.

The voices in my head begin shouting at me, telling me I'm worthless. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'll never find love again because I don't deserve it. Who would possibly want me? I'm 55 years old and divorced. I'm damaged goods. I'm an emotional wreck. I have nothing to offer. I'm weak. I'm a loser. I'm hopeless. And I believe everything those voices are telling me. I embrace them and make them my reality. And I sink deeper.

Where are you, God? Where do you fit into this deep, dark chasm? I long to reach out for You; to lean on You for strength; to listen to what You have to say; to hear You tell me I AM worthy of Your love. I AM worthy of another's love. But Your voice is muffled and I can't make out Your words. So I resurrect that wall I put up between us years ago. The wall I eventually broke down. And I hate that wall.

I feel so alone in this world. Today I find myself standing on a precipice and I am teetering precariously on the edge. I feel as though I have no control over whether I will soar high above it, fall or even jump into it. I hate feeling like this. But for now, for this hour, I'll simply slog along, buried deep within. Tomorrow will be what it is. Perhaps it will be hopeful like yesterday. Perhaps it will be another today. I know not what the future holds. But I will continue to listen for God's voice... for His gentle whisper telling me all is not hopeless...