It's such an odd thing...I have done nothing for the past 114 hours except sit, stand, wait, pray, sleep a little, eat a little, receive and send hundreds of text messages (definitely the best method for immediate gratification...thank goodness for unlimited text messaging), write to keep everyone informed (and to provide my daily dose of therapy) tell Christopher's story over and over and over and over and over and over, receive hugs upon hugs, cry and cry and cry, laugh (yes, we have laughed quite a lot...Christopher would want us to, yes?), watch (okay, sometimes obsess over) numbers on a monitor, stare at my little boy who isn't so little any more, try my best to understand and absorb medical terms I never knew existed and prayed I would never need to comprehend, ask question upon question and 'worry, stew and fret' (only a little, though, as Paul seems to do enough of it for the lot of us). Yet I feel as though I have accomplished nothing...
Last night around 11 pm, Dr. Gayle gently told me that Chris' Neurosurgeon, Dr. Sun had reviewed the CT scan and agreed with Dr. Newman that the swelling in his brain had indeed gone down just slightly. We are thrilled with 'just slightly', as it is going in the right direction. Think trends. The other thing that Dr. Sun had determined is that the bruising in Christopher's frontal lobe involves two areas in particular. One of them is the speech center. "Okay..." I thought to myself. "That's not a big deal. We're talking about a boy who was speaking in complete sentences at the age of 15 months and is so adept at verbal communication that we have always had to implement periods of 'no talking' just to keep our sanity. I taught him to talk once...I'll teach him to talk again." It was the next thing that she told me that threw me to the ground. The other area that has been affected is that of personality. "NO...NOT HIS PERSONALITY," I begged in my mind! It is Christopher's personality that draws people in and causes them to fall in love with him. He is enthusiastic, kind, compassionate, energetic, funny and passionate. He exudes a zeal for life that is contagious. He has frequently been called "Mr. Personality." Yes, I am his mother and I feel this way about him, but I don't know of anyone who has ever met him that wouldn't agree with me. I stood there looking at and listening to Dr. Gayle, smiling, shaking my head in the affirmative and saying, "Thank you so much for telling me this. It was not the words that I hoped to hear, but I am thankful for your honesty and for the information." On the inside I was screaming...sinking to my knees.
Rock that I am, though, I held it together and just sat there in my chair next to Christopher's bed, trying to figure out how I was going to write part 6 of Christopher's journey to all of you now that I had this information. I found a way...I simply did not mention it. But that didn't make the pain go away. It was about 2 am when Dr. Newman stopped by to check on Christopher and say goodnight to me. We chit-chatted about a few things but I simply had to ask her. "Tell me about the damage to the personality part of his brain. Have I really lost my Christopher as I know him?" This is what she so eloquently, in her beautiful South African accent said to me. "First of all, this is not brain damage... it is a brain injury. There is a big difference. Damage is something that is done....irreversible. Injury is something that can be changed or fixed." I realized that Dr. Gayle had used the word injury earlier, but I had quickly jumped to the conclusion that it was damage. Then she proceeded to explain to me that this information is based on a CT scan. It is simply an image. "I do not put my faith in the images that I see on a CT scan. What I choose to believe will be what Christopher shows us as he wakes up and begins his recovery." I began to embrace what Dr. Newman was telling me. She knows that I don't want anything to be sugar-coated. She knows that I want only honesty and that I can handle the truth. She said that he might be different when he wakes up. But it is absolutely possible that if that is the case, he will eventually regain the personality of the wonderful Christopher Ackerman that thousands of people around the world are praying for. I choose to believe what this wonderful physician of almost 40 years of practice is telling me. We went on to discuss what it is that I do with my Apple laptop. When I told her that, mostly, I write, she asked what I write about. I told her about my trip to Bosnia last September, my blog and that I am now writing about Christopher's journey. She was intrigued and said that someday she would love to read what I am writing about her hospital and our experience. I can't wait to show her!
As I was driving home this morning to begin my period of rest, I turned on the CD player and the song that was playing was one written by Amy Grant called I Don't Know Why. As I listened to the lyric, I couldn't help but think that it was describing so beautifully this journey that we, as a family have suddenly found ourselves on. I have created a slideshow to go with the song and will post it here on my blog after this post. Please watch and listen to it and pay special attention to the second verse. I could have written it myself... The lyric is below.
I Don't Know Why
This is one of those moments
When all that really matters
Is crystal clear
We are woven together
By whatever threads of life that have
Brought us here
We are stripped of all our layers
We are getting to the core
Tell me something real
And nothing more
'Cuz I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know where
Maybe all I know is now
So I'm here between the bookends
Of everything that was and what will be
There's a wealth of information
But not so many answers
It seems to me
So I face the unfamiliar
And nothing is clear
Only blinding faith can carry me from here
And I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know where
Maybe all I know is now
Hold my hand and hold this moment
Time sure feels precious don't it
Life is always changing
This I know
I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know where
Maybe all I know is now
Maybe all I know is now
Until we meet again...keep praying and holding out hope for our Christopher!
With all my love, Laura
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