Tonight I am exhausted. I have been tired for two weeks now, but I have continued on. I am actually surprised by how I feel right now because I had a great night's sleep last night...(yes, I was at the hospital and it was a great night's sleep), Christopher had a better day today than yesterday, and I ran several errands on my way home from the hospital at 7:00 pm. The running of errands might not seem like a big deal to all of you, but in the last 15 days, I haven't been anywhere other than Children's Hospital and home. Well, perhaps I did go to Peet's a few times, but that's it! But tonight, I feel as though I've hit a brick wall. Perhaps I have just learned what this body of mine can tolerate... fifteen nights of fitful and unusually short amounts of sleep and 365 hours of intense emotional and mental stress. So my update is going to be shorter than usual...
I would describe today as 'better than yesterday... not great, not even good, but definitely better than yesterday.' Baby steps... Trends... The baby steps are that he had moments of clarity and there were glimpses of hope, of the sweet boy I know as Christopher. During Occupational Therapy with Sue, Chris was very sweet and engaged with her for about 10 minutes. He told her that he lives in Alamo, goes to Stone Valley Middle School, told her he had a 25-minute shower today and it felt 'awesome!' He also told her that she reminded him of "Mrs. O'Brien", who is "the nicest lady he knows..." He had a 5-minute conversation with his roommate, Keit where they talked about the sports they love to play and their favorite positions. While Paul and I were out of the room and in a meeting, he told Patty, Keit's mom that she is his favorite person and that he actually likes her because she is nice to him. At one point this morning, Christopher wanted to sit in a chair opposite me and just 'talk for awhile.' We did and it felt so normal as he looked into my eyes and said, "So...how are you doing today?" These were glimpses of my sweet Christopher.
The moments of clarity? He told Sue that he is "very smart but just confused." He asked me if he could see my laptop. Once in his possession, he logged onto facebook after only a brief moment's hesitation at remembering his password, looked at the screen and said, hmmm...17 friend requests and 96 notifications. He then began scrolling down the list of requests, deciding whether to 'friend' or 'ignore' them based on if he knew who they were or not, and then he went to his messages and answered one of them! I said to him, "Christopher Ackerman...you are going to blow someone's mind today when they see that you have responded to them! Everyone knows that you are in the hospital with a very serious injury and the last thing they are expecting is for you to be on facebook!!!" He looked at me like I'd just fallen off a turnip truck...
His periods of belligerence were shorter in duration. This is a step in the right direction. Every little improvement counts towards healing and I simply have to hold onto the little things. I've got a few "Christopherisms" for you tonight:
*Chris: "Kirstin loves me."
Laura: "Yes, she does love you."
Chris: "She loves my cologne...yes, she loves my cologne..."
*Chris: (At 1:01 pm, when Paul was supposed to be here at 1:00 pm) "I wish Dad was here...he loves me so he'll take me home. You don't love me...otherwise you'd take me home. Where's Dad, Mom?" (one minute later)..."Gosh, I want Dad because he's gonna bring me home!"
*"I need somebody who loves me near me." (one of these days he'll once again believe that we love him, oh so much, even though we are unwilling to walk him out of the hospital!)
Moments of clarity and glimpses of hope...this is what I cling to... this is what will sustain me and get me through...
Aahhh Laura.....yes, our bodies and souls seem to know that after a certain point it might be "let down/shut down/slow down" mode!" I know you don't want to, but I know you've heard enough of us say, "Take care of yourself....we need you with a full heart!" So do a few more Peet's stops or "things I used to do BEFORE April 21st" that may seem mundane. It will be a gift to Chris too ultimately. Love you so much!
ReplyDeleteMargo
Laura, I had a dream about Christopher last night. My grandson Tyler is 13. In the dream Tyler takes me to the hospital to see Christopher. We take him outside to sit in the sunshine and all of a sudden Christopher comes over and sits on my lap. I could feel his body on mine and his arm around my neck to steady himself. It was so real. I pray for that precious body to very soon sit on your lap and put his arms around your neck. It will come. You're the best of mothers. Happy Mothers Day, Jeanie
ReplyDeleteHi Laura
ReplyDeleteHope this comment goes through as I seem to have problems posting.
Just to say I read your blog every evening and I follow Christopher's progress. I feel your frustration, your heartache when Christopher tells you he doesn't love you because you won't take him home! That kid sure is attached to his home!! He just wants to be there and for life to be back to normal. In fact he wants what you want!!
Glad you got to run some errands! Just think, grocery shopping is becoming a treat! Puts things in perspective doesn't it?!!
Love and best wishes to you and Paul , Emily and Nicolas.
Christopher is lucky to have such a loving family. And I'm sure he knows it.
Janet
Hi Laura,
ReplyDeleteI've never posted a comment before on a blog, here goes. I hope you know you all have been in our prayers from the moment we heard about the accident. It has been very special to be in such close contact with Paul on a daily basis, I hope to have been an encouragement to him as you all are going through these difficult times.
I have to tell you - the first thing I do every morning after I awaken is to go downstairs to receive the next chapter of this real life drama. I feel like I'm reading a chapter a day and cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds. I've wept with you in agony and wept with you in joy as we see the trend move forward as Chris is on the road to recovery, baby steps!!! God is good. There have been awesome improvements and we continue to pray with confidence for complete recovery.
I can't even imagine how exhausted you and Paul must be at this point. I wish I could bear some of the burden for you. Even though we don't communicate often, we are family and we are here for each other when the chips are down. Please know we have many praying for all of you.
Your gift of writing has blessed many. I don't believe I'd have it in me to write in times such as these. You have blessed all of us through your words, you keep it up girl because you are very good at it!!!!
We love you.
Nancy Tucker